| Ethics |
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| Автор: Юрий | |||
| 01.09.2009 18:18 | |||
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I am not upset, when people don’t understand me, I am upset, when I don’t understand them. Confucius As I have already said before, almost everybody makes cold contacts. The representatives of almost every profession communicate with strangers: whether it is postman or conductor, ticket collector or traffic policeman, reporter, politician or teacher. The thing is that everyone communicates, but only few do it in a right manner. This leads to the sad results, such as the preservation of a great number of negative experiences of cold contacts in our subconsciousness, and it doesn’t matter whether you did these contacts yourself or became an object of somebody’s actions. Let’s remember custom officers or traffic policemen. What exactly do they do that makes us feel uncomfortable? They just do their job, but the traffic policeman's baton which points to you sends shivers down your spine and provokes premonition of something bad. I think that each person knows the answer: their behavior sometimes contains roughness, thirst for money, humiliating and arrogant attitude, disregarding of our opinion, extortion. Why do we dislike gipsies so much no matter whether we had personal experience to communicate with them or just heard some stories, which were told by our friends? Anyone can identify a lot of reasons for that: obtrusiveness, techniques of influence on our subconsciousness, extortion. But there is one good proverb: the position doesn't make the man, the man makes the position. Once, on my way back from the seminar, two more persons were going with me: young fellow, who had to be soon called up for military service and a man in years, whose daughter was going to get married. We were sitting in the café at the station in Kiev when a Gipsy came up. She looked at me and understood my disapproval of different kinds of fortune-telling and prophecies at once. So, she started speaking to the young fellow. She said that everything is going to be fine and that he won’t be called up for military service. The fellow became interested in such favorable prediction and asked a few more questions. After that the third my fellow traveler got involved into conversation and got his portion of predictions concerning his daughter’s wedding. Both the lad and the man gave some money the Gipsy. She looked at me once again and said only one phrase: “It will all work out very well for you”, and went away. She made nice impression on me, because she wasn’t imposing herself and she didn’t importune. The same is with other job. It’s in our power to make cold contacts to be pleasant as much as possible. We can make any person, who runs into us, feel only positive emotions, and have state, mood and desire to communicate with us again and again. Out true assistant for this is ethics. Practice. Remember the situation from your life when somebody offered you his help ethically and with comfort. There are some principles of ethical cold contacts. What is their essence? Firs principle. The aim of our cold contact is to make the acquaintance of somebody. Imagine that somebody comes up to you and asks whether you like the fruit of kumbayamba tree? What will be your answer? You will be in the state of bewilderment, because you have no idea what kind of tree it is and what kind of fruits does it have. And what if somebody shows you this fruit – probably you would have the desire to taste it, because everything with pleasant and edible smell provokes the desire to do it. After you’ve tasted it and you’ve liked it, you would have the desire to know where one can get kumbayamba in order to eat its fruits whenever he wants. What can make the stranger want to have further communications and meetings with you? Maybe, it is your yearning to grow rich at his charge or you obtrusiveness? Of course not! The desire for communication can be provoked only by true interest in that, what you offer. But if one knows the tastes of his friends and relatives, than how should he act with a stranger? Using a periphrasis for word of well-known Matroskin the cat (the cat from Russian cartoon) one can say: “In order to offer something interesting, one should learn something interesting”. So, the aim of our cold contacts should not be sale as it is but cognition – cognition of a person. Each person is unique; there are no two persons, who are absolutely alike, that’s why unexpectedly the work with cold contacts suddenly turns into fascinating investigation. Making the acquaintance with somebody we suddenly discover something, what can be interesting for us in this person, or something, what makes us interesting for him. The contact is set and the natural desire to continue communication appears itself, and all you need to do is to give each other your address and telephone number or arrange another meeting. And now everything happens naturally, unobtrusively, without constraint. Note: in Russian the word combination “make the acquaintance of somebody” is derived from the word “knowledge”. To make acquaintance of somebody = to have knowledge about somebody. Once I arrived to Byelorussia to carry the training. The train came late at night, I was met, shacked up in a hotel, and we made an agreement that somebody will come to pick me up the next day. In the morning I came out a little bit earlier than I had to in order to get fresh frosty air. Having left the hotel I stopped opposite the entrance and saw several men fishing on the opposite side of the hotel. I am the passionate fisherman myself though I couldn’t understand an interest in winter fishing, when it is necessary to sit on ice and wait patiently for the fish to bite. Observing the fishermen I said to myself aloud: “I don’t see any sense in sitting there…” The doorkeeper, an elderly man, was standing next to me. And he replied to my involuntary remark: “One can catch so-and-so fish here”. I said that I understand that, but why it is necessary to sit there when it is frost. It turned out that only when it is frost and only at this time of year one is able to catch that fish. I came up closer to him and asked him how he knew that. He said that it was his duty that prevented him from sitting there with the rest of the fishermen. When he saw my interest and desire to try it, he offered me to fish with him the next day at his day off. Unfortunately, I already had the tickets for the evening train, but I promised that next time when I’d be here we’ll surely go fishing. Why did the doorkeeper want to help? Because owing to our short conversation we’ve found common interest. Women know very well how the acquaintances, based on common interests, strike up during feasts. If she sees when, for example, the pilau is served, which she also knows how to cook, woman tastes it with particular interest, in order to understand how much it differs from the one she cooks. When she understands that the taste is a little bit different she says to her woman-neighbor sitting at the same table: “You know, this pilau tastes good but it differs from the one I cook” Most probably that she sees her woman-neighbor for the first time and was introduced to her maximum a few minutes ago. However, woman starts conversation about cookery absolutely unconstrainedly. Such situation can be performed artificially. For this it is necessary to choose two people. Then it is necessary to define exactly what dishes can they cook, and after that they should discuss the process cooking. Roughly there will be the following dialogue: 1. How do you cook it? 2. I take a lot of black pepper, add eastern seasonings, special collection for pilau. 3. Can you tell me what kind of seasonings are these, and how much is it necessary to add? Where can I get them? The first interlocutor understands the value of the information and shows his interest at once, the desire to taste the pilau with special seasoning appears in him. He says that he wants to taste it very much. The desire is voiced and the second interlocutor exclaims: “Piece a cake! Let’s exchange our phone numbers and arrange our next meeting. I’ll show you how to cook my pilau and you’ll taste it.” The first interlocutor gladly accepts the invitation. The cold contact took place and now there is one thing left: to discuss the place of a meeting. Practice. Remember the situation from your life (or among above-mentioned cold contacts), when you having made the acquaintance of a person, managed to find something interesting in him: feature of character, hobby, world outlook, skills and abilities. The second principle. Observe the person’s interests and show your goodwill. The sense of word “goodwill” is clear to everyone – it means “feeling of benevolence, approval, and kindly interest.” But it’s not all the time “good” that we show is considered to be “good” for a certain person. To illustrate this I’ll give the following example. Imagine the family of two members – mother and son. Son is the ordinary teenager, who likes to have fun at the project sites, play war or play with the ball. Normal, lively, active child. But his mother decided that he has to become an outstanding person. She guides her conception of an outstanding person and sends him to the school of music, and besides she hires an individual music teacher. From the mother’s point of view she does her child good. From the son’s point of view mother’s action is regarded as the personal violence. He could have become famous football player, but now he won’t have any sport career, and music career is also brought into question. Now I’ll tell you one parable. The two men were walking along the wood path: one of them was enlightened wise man, another one was a boy – his disciple. The boy saw a snail on the path crawling towards them. He took pity on it and carried it aside, because he didn’t want it to be crushed accidentally by inattentive travelers. After that he returned to his teacher and they continued their way. The master asked him about the sense his action. The surprised boy answered that he helped the snail because there were a lot of dangers for it on the path. “What have you done” – said the teacher. “It was crawling along the road, it new the surroundings and how to get to its destination, and the speed, with which it had to crawl. Having moved it, you’d disturbed its plans, broke into its harmonious world”. The boy felt his guilt and ran back. Soon he returned. “Where were you?” – asked the teacher. “I went back to return the snail to the place where she was crawling”. “What have you done?” – said the teacher. “She already got used to the new surroundings, she had new aims and you disturbed them again!” They kept walking in silence – the wise man and his thoughtful disciple. Whether it is violin or ball, help or inaction it is necessary to understand what is “good” for your interlocutor, only then you’ll be able to offer him something interesting. Practice. Remember the situation from your life (or among above-mentioned cold contacts), when you, owing to the observance of person’s interest and display of benevolence towards him, received positive reaction and more active participation in conversation. The third principle. Be sincere and accept interlocutor’s opinion. Give in order to get. Accept in order to help. Our feelings are energy. The emotions, which we express towards other people, they express towards us. If you are asked – answer, and do it honestly as much as possible. Only in this case you’ll be able to have a sincere conversation with interlocutor. Be ready that interlocutor’s sincerity will lead to divergence of your opinion. Several years ago I saw a video recording of a school carried out by I. Klein, the first-rate leader of network company, the man who “brought” MLM to the market of former USSR, for managers. Here is the quotation of that wise man. “Accept the things that take place at the moment. You’ll have to learn how to get accustomed to irresponsible, how to make a compromise with uncompromising, learn the skills of love of unloved. Try to make a list of things that happened this year, where were a lot of unacceptable things, today you’ve learned how to get accustomed to them emotionally. It can be explained by you maturity, your inner growth. The art of happiness means that you live and work with that state of mind, which has been given to you in your life.” The art of acceptance of somebody else’s opinion, without any dispute, doubt, denial is the art of a master. Client or partner comes up to you because he really wants your help, not your advice. So, listen to him, accept his values and suggest your way out of the situation, i.e. put forward such kind of suggestion which will help him to overcome his hardships but won’t break into his world outlook. Practice. Remember the situation from your life (or among above-mentioned cold contacts), when you, owing to your sincerity and acceptance of the interlocutor’s opinion, received positive reaction and more active participation in conversation. Fourth principle. Listen actively. While planning questioning, our aim is to find clients and draw in partners. Further work with clients implies support of warm relations, a couple of friendly phrases, taking of orders and their execution. The work with partners implies more complicated scheme. Your partner is the person to rely on, your follower. Your success depends on his. That’s why I recommend choosing your partners with all responsibility. How can one understand whether the standing in front of you person is the suitable one? How can one identify the potential of a future leader after first conversation? The diagnosis skills will help you. We should know how to ask the right questions and hear what lies behind the answers. What merits should the leader possess? He should be purposeful, know how to organize people, be able to take the responsibility. These merits can be either well developed or be in embryo. Each one of us took the responsibility, but somebody ran the factory and somebody did housekeeping. Our task is to see behind ambitions real abilities. Everybody knows how one should live, but not everyone’s got a good life. There is hardly a pensioner who couldn’t give the president a couple of pieces of advice about the county’s governing, but still the country is governed very well, whereas the pensioners remain where they are. How can one understand what lies behind somebody’s answer? I’ll give the situation as an example. The lower school pupil is late and shows up only by the middle of the third lesson. The teacher inquires about the reason. The versions of pupil’s answers: the alarm clock didn’t ring, was waiting for the tram for a long time, mother (brother, grandmother) forgot to wake him up, was helping an old woman to cross the road, overslept. The teacher who doesn’t work in the network marketing will listen to the pupil’s version and after that he will put the letter “L” (late) into the register. But we will find a lot in the pupil’s answers, to be more precise, these answers will tell us about one or another merits. The alarm clock didn’t ring (the tram came late) – the responsibility is shifted onto somebody else. Mother didn’t wake him up – the pupil makes a certain person responsible for his life, as it usually happens in network marketing. There is no level because the husband didn’t support and vice versa. Was helping an old woman to cross the road – such an answer tells us about person’s kindness, attentiveness, responsiveness, but also it says about wrong arrangement of priorities. I know the cases, when people, who came to attend seminar, had to stand for two hours in front of the closed door of the Palace of Young Pioneer, because the old woman, who had the key, was late. And the reason of her coming late was helping the cat to deliver. I overslept – is the most favorable answer, because only confident and honest people would answer like that. Besides such people are also responsible, because they confessed and they are ready to bear responsibility for their deed. They have enough love for themselves to sleep for two lessons. These are potential leaders. The leader of one of the companies was telling her story. She invited her friend to her place to drink some tea. She didn’t see her for a long time, but for her she was a potential partner, because she wanted to offer her serious business. The offer was made strictly according to the scheme: earnings of thousand dollars, trips abroad, automobile as a company’s present, and so forth. Everything is in perspective. But her friend didn’t appraise the available possibilities because of her son, whom she had to prepare for school – the first of September was at hand. The leader tells about trips, distant countries, company’s incentives once again, but the friend holds her ground – she’s got the son, and she hasn’t got time for such trifles. The leader doesn’t give up, but the result is the same. An hour flew by, and the friend was going to go home because the dinner wasn’t ready and her husband had to come back from work soon. And only on the threshold consultant asked about the child’s problems with school. As it turned out, he needed school uniform, exercise books, textbooks, tracksuit and sports shoes, but they didn’t have enough money. And here finally leader makes such an offer, which becomes clear to her friend – as the company has got very good production it can be offered to other friends and there is a possibility earn as much as you need in differences. The real problem is touched, the real way out is suggested – and it came to be on the fertile soil. The friend got interested, started asking question - job jobbed! Our heroine though after that: “So, here it is, the sense of Nikolai Zagovora’s words about active listening!” Luckily, the conversation took place with the known person, that’s why the second chance appeared. The cold contacts usually don’t give the second chance. Practice. Remember the situation from your life (or among above-mentioned cold contacts), when you managed to recognize person’s true motives and desires by means of listening and hearing him, which lead to the beginning of more sincere conversation. Fifth principle. Observe two important laws of ethic: “do not interfere when nobody asks you” and “don’t bother anybody”. Hoe do these laws work? Don’t bother anybody or “May I ask you?” During communication with people it is necessary to remember that each person at each moment of time is busy. It doesn’t matter whether he is doing something important or not – he is busy. The meaning of law “don’t bother anybody” is simple, but still there are some pitfalls. Let us assume that we’ve just learned about that law, decided to observe it and went to make cold contacts. But we won’t do it somewhere at the busy place (e.g. underground railway station exit), we’ll go somewhere where people have a rest – to the park. We think that people, who rest in the park, go there in order not to do anything, so we won’t bother them. We walk along the park and see a lonely girl sitting on a bench, and she is not busy. We come closer, and it turns out that she is not alone. There is a child sitting next to her, with whom she is having a conversation. Now we understand that she’s busy and we’ll bother her. We walk further and see two girls sitting on a bench. We come closer and see that they are talking to each other. Are they busy? Sure they are. Further along the lane we see a lonely woman. We come closer and see that she is knitting. There is no way of diverting her, we’ll bother her. And suddenly we notice a man who is just sitting on the bench under the tree. We take a good look and see that he is doing nothing. We watch him a couple more minutes – he’s absolutely free! And now we decide to speak to him: “Good morning! I am the representative of so-and-so company, may I ask you several questions?” And unexpectedly he says that he is busy. We are bewildered: what does it men? We were watching him for a half of an hour. We were literally lying in ambush and we know exactly that he is doing nothing. But it is possible that he had got some problems yesterday and now he restores his thoughts back to normal. And we really bother him with our questions. And it is also possible that yesterday he had found out about the possibilities in our company and now he is making up a plan of achieving of financial freedom for the next five years. At any moment of time any person lives. He always does something, and the pursuance of a person, who is not busy at all, in order not to bother him, is absolutely useless. But if we want to speak to somebody then the only thing left is to ask permission to speak. It is quite possible that you’ll get it. It’s quite possible that the girl with the child is taking a walk in the park with him everyday and she would be glad to talk to somebody else. The two friends, probably, see each other everyday and there are no more topics for discussion left. Your appearance will bring something new into their conversations. Perhaps, the knitting woman came to park to see other people, and the communication with you is likely to give her pleasure. I had an occurrence when I came to Kharkov for the trainer’s festival. It had to be held in the Palace of Culture of the Railwaymen. I left the carriage and understood that I had to walk for about seven minutes to that Palace of Culture, and by the way I had no idea what direction I should take to get there. This problem had a very simple solution – I had to find a local resident at the station and ask for help. I asked the seller of the cards for mobile-phones’ account replenishment: “Can you, please, tell me how I can get to Palace of Culture of the Railwaymen?” He told me the way politely. Let’s think about other possible answers. A person can answer: “I am sorry, I’m busy” or “Sorry, I don’t know”. The other possible answer is: “Sorry, I don’t know, but you can find out the way at that booth, they know for sure.” What will you answer in such case? Of course your answer will be “thank you”, and you’ll go to the booth. In spite of the intrusion into person’s personal space and distraction him from work he won’t become angry, but he’ll help you. Even if he cannot help, he apologizes, although he is not obliged to do so. And now let us imagine contrary situation: if I asked how I can get to Palace of Culture of railroader, and I was said that they can not help me because they were busy. And instead of saying “Thank you” and leave person in peace, suddenly I grabbed hold of his shirt front, pulled him to me and said, holding him in this way: “Didn’t you understand? I’m the leader of the highest link of a network company, which promotes such-and-such produce, participates in such-and-such designings, thanks to the offer of this company millions of people all over the world overcame poverty, afforded comfort, beautiful life. Owing to the produce, which is offered by our company, millions of people feel themselves much better and live their full value life now, and today in our Palace of Culture of railroader in Kharkov a cultural event will take place, where the most eminent leaders of e-business will gather. And I, the leader with such-and-such status, the star of world-wide renown, must be there, and you tell me, that you are busy!” How do you think, what would be the person’s reaction? Of course, a violent aggression would follow my question. It’s hard to imagine, that after such an arm-twisting a person will say: “Oh, I’m sorry, Nikolay. I like your company, I adore network marketing, admire your produce, I’m sorry, I just didn’t recognize you. Let me catch a taxi and take you there by myself.” Even when this person is a devotee of the company, knows and likes its produce, and now he needs it most of all, after such a treatment the probability of a further talk amounts to nothing. How different is people’s reaction, and it is not caused by the fact that they were disturbed, but in what way they were disturbed. Polite recourse comes back as help and apologies, whereas rudeness gives rise to aggression. Given examples help to make a conclusion: don’t run to extremes: rudeness is so bad and ineffectual, as well as fanatic fear to disturb. Do you want to build cool contacts, complying with the law “Don’t bother anybody?” Always ask for permission for communication, but if you don’t get it, don’t bother a person and be thankful for a spared time. Practice. Remember the situation from your life (or from already conducted cool contacts), when you, after asking for a talk with a busy person, got a consent (if the person was ready to talk) or polite refusal and apologies (if he was too busy). When you are not asked, don’t interfere, or Offering the help, first ask. This law I want to illustrate with the help of a fictional situation. A woman with a traveling bag is walking down the street. From her hard step and slightly stooped back, it’s obvious that a traveling bag is heavy. Following the woman, I get a wish to help her. Quickening my pace, I come up with her and take the handle of a traveling bag. But instead of expected thanks, suddenly the woman begins to panic, calls for police and policemen take us to police station, where investigation takes place. And only there it becomes clear, that the woman sold her flat and carried all realized money in a suitcase to the bank. Of course, I will be accused of knowing about this money and having a wish for stealing it. Will anybody believe me, that I was guided by the wish to help? I doubt it. And even if they believe and let me go, and the money will be taken back to the woman, what will the victim think about me? What will be her reaction, if she occasionally meets me? Of course, she will fear of me, as well as many of us fear of gypsies, because she has bad memories connected with me and she will try to avoid me. This will be the result of a frank wish to help. But what would happen, if I instead of taking the handle of traveling bag, first offered the women my help? It’s impossible to answer this question definitely: either she believed me, or refused the help and forgot about me at once. And next time she wouldn’t even recognize me. Tom Schreiter makes the next example in one of his lectures. Imagine the celebration of an anniversary or a wedding: festive feast, music, dancing, strong drinks, delicious snacks and general fun. A prominent leader is also at this festive occasion. He notices among the guests a new person, whom he doesn’t know and who, obviously, is a potential successful partner, so he “catches” him somewhere when nobody proposes a toast or during music break ant says the phrase: “I can see that you are a very serious person and that’s why I’ve got a splendid offer for you. Don’t pay attention to music and other things now, just give me a half an hour and I’ll tell you about our company and how you can get a chance to make a lot of money and to spend your holiday at the best health resorts, have fun and live jolly, having worked just for two years. Thereafter, a full presentation of marketing-plan followed, including all its refinements and nuances, the history of company creation, its appearance and difficulties on the way of the founder of the company. And when the person, seizing on any reason, broke away from the “superleader’s” stranglehold, for some reason he began avoiding his benefactor strenuously. The question is “Why?” It’s just because the offer was too obtrusive. Big Al suggests another variant of behavior in similar situation: if you notice a person, whom you like, and want to make him a business proposal, don’t be importunate. You can make an offer casually, thereby checking person’s interest in it. For example: “Do you know, that company, where I work, gives an incentive to its partners by means of foreign travels to the best world’s resorts? If you are interested, I‘ll tell you about it happily, and now pass me that salad, please (and now let’s dance)”. A “bait”, which is said between times, enables you to it the salad, if the person didn’t take an interest. If you see, that the person becomes interested, you can suggest him being out for five minutes and tell everything in details. And even when the person doesn’t show his interest, it doesn’t mean, that you shouldn’t consider him to become your new partner. When the party is over, before you go home, you should come up to him and remind him about you offer, asking him to exchange your contacts. A wish to help other people – is a noble impulse, when we strive for doing people good. But, as I said before, the ideas about good in awareness of different people can be quite different. That’s why, before you decide to help somebody, receive evidence, that the person wants it. As Aleksandr Iliynsky, the business- trainer of The Centre, says: “You should carefully “cause people benefit and be good to them” ”. Practice. Remember situations from your life experience (or from already conducted cool contacts),when you offering somebody your help, got permission or refusal, but were thanked for showing attention.
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